


Empty

by KuroWaffle



Category: Block B
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 10:03:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15705012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuroWaffle/pseuds/KuroWaffle
Summary: If you knew how much I loved you with every fiber of my being, why would you doubt me?





	Empty

_  Chest to chest.. _

 

He woke up startled. Sweat beaded on his brow and his heart raced. It began to slow as he realized his surroundings; his room, his bed, his loneliness. He turned to his left side, watching the empty, unruffled part of the bed where he used to lay. By now his arms would’ve already reached out, his body sensing his alarm even amidst his sleep, and wrapped him closer to himself. By now, he should be safe and ready to go back to sleep. By now, he would begin realizing how lucky he was while letting his consciousness slip… Suddenly, his chest hurt as tough a hundred sharp shards of glass were stabbing him repeatedly. He curled up, fist curling around his shirt, tightening as the pain grew sharper. Heaving between sobs, he ardently wished he had never woken up. And after a million pleas for the pain to go away, Yukwon cried himself to sleep for the 126th night. 

 

_ Nose to nose.. _

 

It was raining outside. I always loved the rain and you knew it. You’d come home and find me glued to the window if not hanging my head out of it. And you’d laugh and tease me about it, calling me a toddler. And then you’d kiss me and we’d talk about our day with the sound of rain as our background music, occasionally trailing our fingers on the raindrops that would slip inside and fall to our knees.. Those were my favorite nights. 

 

But tonight you were yelling and I was yelling back, and my heart hurt seeing your anger twist you face but it hurt me even more you could not see past mine. A lot of things were said then that we did not mean but one thing will always remain with me. When you looked into my eyes and yours brimmed with tears, it was clear you meant it and when you said it, I was shocked silent. The pain had rendered me mute but perhaps silence was an answer you were not expecting and it only confirmed your doubts. “ _ Do you even love me?”  _  It hurts just to think about it , seeing the forcefulness of each uttered letter, the gritting of your teeth as you held back tears, the betrayal visible in your eyes when all I did was stutter, grasping for meaning. You knew the answer, you must have. Did I really need to say it? If you knew then why did you ask? If you knew how much I loved you with every fiber of my being, why would you doubt me? You stormed out and I knew nothing would be the same anymore. 

 

_ Palm to palm.. _

 

Work was hard on his eyes. He’d spend the entire morning staring into the computer, inputting whatever data they gave him. There was a time where he’d analyse each bit of information and write detailed reports, it was why he climbed the ladder so fast. But not he remained in the middle, unable to move forward. Not in work, not in life. His coworkers looked at him with pity, they all knew he was alone now and they all had known how serious it was before. Until now they avoided him, probably scared the pathetic would rub off on them. Sometime one brave one would pat his shoulder and tell him it will get better. But Yukwon knew, it would only get better when Jiho looked at him again, smiled, and said he forgave him. His phone, however, never rang. Neither did his doorbell. 

 

His boss cut him some slack as well. They were good friends and now that she saw him so miserable, she left him alone as long as he did the basic job. But he knew it wouldn’t last long, her sympathy would reach out just until it was affecting her work negatively. He didn’t care. 

 

Lunch was hell. He usually waited at his desk, crestfallen and arms flopped, until everyone left for food. Then he would just sit there, staring at the clock until the hour was done. He would go then to the bathroom to wash his hands and make it seem like he ate as well -- he picked up the routine when everyone kept offering him food or to buy him lunch, he now pretended it to bring it with him and eat at his desk. This way no one bothered him. But his thoughts wandered in that hour, even if he concentrated with all his might on the ticking clock, counting along the seconds. Still, his mind will find a way to connect it to  _ him.  _ He rested his palms on the cool metal of his desk and closed his eyes to calm himself. 

 

_ Wrist to wrist.. _

 

The clock was ticking way too slow for my liking. Every second was an eternity, I could barely concentrate on my work. Sometimes Eunha would pass behind me and sigh, exasperatedly fond. 

 

“Contain yourself, Yukwon,” she’d say. And I’d reply with a noncommittal “Yes ma’am.”

 

Even my coworkers teased me but it was all good hearted. They knew I was excited because you did this every year. At first it embarrassed me and made me angry, but then I’d see your excitement about it and how hard you’d had thought everything over and I brim with love. Now it was my favorite day of the year. 

 

Pretend to work on my spreadsheet I glared at the clock on my computer until finally the hour ended and a new one began. My happy groan made the janitor chuckle as he passed by collecting trash bins. What an old man he was, but he worked hard and had a passion for love. Ours was one of his favorite he had told me one time; he’d said it reminded him of his late wife. It warmed my heart. But now, all I could think about was what you’d come up with this year and if it’d go beyond what you did last year. 

 

I had turned my chair to the door, waiting impatiently, hands fidgeting on my knees while trying to see you come through the elevator. Suddenly, however, my coworkers turned my chair around to face them instead and they had a smug grin on their faces. I never really fully got along with them, but clearly you had won them over like you did everyone else. I glared at them and they only laughed telling me to stay still. I could hear rustling behind me and I was dying to turn and see but they kept me in place and I groaned. I heard your chuckle and my heart raced. I saw one of my teammates glance at you and nod, finally they turned me around and there you were. I expected you to go up and beyond every time but this… this I honestly did not expect. 

 

There you were, surrounded by flowers and balloons and all sorts of grossly romantic decorations. I wondered how many people you got to help you out with this and my hands curled. I was embarrassed, curious, and nervous as hell. I wanted to jump to your arms but I wanted to hear you speak. I knew what was happening but I also had no idea. My coworkers were giggling, most likely at the befuddlement on my face. I wanted to tell them all to shut up but I was too taken by the honest look of love you graced me with. 

 

The silence was abrupt and if I could think properly think for a second I’d want to hide from all of the attention on us. Instead, all my focus was on you, kneeling among decorations that did not have “Happy Birthday!” writings on them like I expected but instead were adorned with cursive “Say Yes”. My heart was about to explode. 

 

You took something out of your pocket and my eyes widened even more as you propped the small box open and pointed it towards me. The silver ring shined but you shone brighter than anything in this world to me. You cleared your throat and shakily said my name.

 

“Kim Yukwon…,” I was about to fall off my seat, Eunha squeezed my shoulder but I couldn’t spare her a glance. “I had such a long text prepared but I was so nervous coming here I used it to dry my hands.” There were some chuckles, you were a crowd pleaser. Always. “But there’s one thing I don’t need to write down to remember, something that I know just thinking of you, and now looking at you, I have never been so certain. I love you Kwon. So much more than life itself. And if you let me, I would like to spend my entire life with you. Kim Yukwon,” there you go, repeating my name again and pausing. Were you trying to give me a heart attack? Finally, you said it: “Will you marry me?”

 

I flew into your arms, kissing you and saying ‘yes’ a million times. Everyone cheered and congratulated us. That night, I knew the scene would replay in my head a thousand times and I would worry about showing my face at work ever again. You would laugh at me, for sure. You loved to show me off in this manner so much, I didn’t have the heart to fight you on it. And seeing you this happy, with everyone clapping you on the back and congratulating you, my smile would not disappear off my face. I was forgotten pretty easily but you were hard to not pay attention to. I took a casual leave for the rest of the day so I could spend it with you, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate at all anyways. And I was sick of everyone around you, I wanted you to myself. And when we made love that night, I knew it would be the best evening of my entire life. 

 

I loved you so much. You led me out with hands linked and I wondered if you could feel the force of my heartbeat through my wrist. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Toe to toe.. _

 

He opened his eyes when he heard elevator doors open. His co workers were returning. He knew his eyes were red, but when were they not lately. The janitor was passing by, collecting recycling paper. He looked at him and his pathetic state, and sighed. Kwon felt sick to the stomach. He rubbed his face and returned to work, the rest of the day would pass in a blur anyway. That’s how most of his work days passed. The more difficult ones would just be a more painful blur. 

 

At exactly 5:00pm, he packed his stuff; meaning he picked up the bag he hadn’t opened once, and slipped his silent phone into his packet. He left without talking to anyone, not that anyone really wanted to talk to him. At the gate downstairs, he pressed his finger to the scanner, waiting for the beep signaling him he had clocked out. The guard tried to make conversation with him. 

 

“You leave right on the clock, do you? In a hurry?”

 

Yukwon studied him. He was new, he wondered what happened to the other one. The one who didn’t ask questions and left him alone. He nodded silently and the beep sounded. 

 

“Not a chatter, huh? That’s alright I talk enough for two people, it’s really an issue, ha!” Kwon furrowed his brows at the man. Did he really expect a response? 

 

“Well, you go on then, have a great end of your day,” he continued still. Yukwon nodded again and hurriedly left, not wanting to get stuck in more meaningless chatter. 

 

It was cloudy outside but he hadn’t brought his umbrella with him. He didn’t bother to check weather forecasts much lately. Tightening his jacket around him and squeezing the sleeve of his shoulderbag, he prayed to whoever was hearing that it would not rain. His chest hurt enough already as it was. Unfortunately, his prayers, as usual, went unheard and it started drizzling. First it was light and he thought he’d make it him relatively dry, but it suddenly started pouring. In dismay, he ducked into the first cafe he came across. It was the one on the street across his work building and he really wished he hadn’t walked in here. The waiter recognized him and gave me a small smile, his look didn’t linger. He supposed no one wanted to look at him for longer than a second in his state. It worked for him - being avoided this way. It made his loneliness worse but it gave him space and mercy from the pity remarks. It was okay this way. 

 

The place was not exactly packed but most seatings were taken. All but one actually. He supposed it was the weather driving people inside. He took the chair by the table facing the window; this way he didn’t have to look at anyone and no one had to look at him. There was one more chair at his table but he doubted anyone would approach him. He put his bag on it. 

A new waitress came to take his order but he wasn’t prepared and he just looked her for a second too long. She sighed and suggested a cappuccino. He felt guilty for making her day worse and apologized and thanked her at once. She wasn’t long with his coffee. He thanked her again. 

 

Now he watched people hurrying down the streets, wet and uncomfortable, and he wished he could be home already. The smell of coffee, the quiet chatter behind him, the rain outside; it was all such a bad combination. It was good because it reminded him of  _ him. _ But it was so bad because of the burning at the base of his chest. His eyes tingled and he was glad he was facing the window. He brought the mug closer to him, letting his palm seep the warmth from the ceramic. The froth of milk wriggled a little. A sad smile tugged at his lips. 

 

_ Eye to eye..  _

 

It was a Friday and you stopped by for my lunch break. We ended up as usual at the cafe across from work. We always ended up being too lazy to go somewhere fancy or new to eat. We bought sandwiches and lattes and ate and drank by the window. It was your favorite seat and the waiter, who you befriended so easily to no one’s surprise, tried to keep that seat empty for us everyday at that time. It was a hard task given the popularity of the place but still he managed and I was grateful because we’d sit at your favorite seat and you’d smile with the sunshine on your face. 

 

I loved the way you’d laugh even if your mouth was full and I’d be grossed out but also amused. You had a hearty laugh and when it was sometimes too loud, you’d cover your mouth and crinkle your eyes at me. My heart would skip a few beats each time. 

 

Now you looked at me and seriously discussed your most recent editorial and to be honest, I only half listened. It was a philosophical manuscript and even if I wanted to I wouldn’t be able to follow. Anyways I was more interested in the movement of your lips, the lifting of your brows, the intensity of your eyes, and the so exaggerated gesturing of your hands. Sometimes I wondered, if I tied down your hands, would you lose your ability to speak? I imagined you struggling and my lips must have hinted my smile because you paused and looked at me. 

 

“You’re not listening are you?” you asked me. I felt so guilty. 

 

“No, I am! It’s just I was suddenly thinking of something else but I swear I was !” I really was, in some way. You sighed and waved a hand; I couldn’t help my frown. 

 

“I’m sorry, okay? I promise you it was interesting but too difficult for me. I can’t follow sometimes the too complicated stuff.”

 

You raised a inquisitive brow at me. “Complicated?”

 

“Well, yeah. I mean, it’s not that it’s complex as much as it’s just.. Hard. I don’t have to think about such complicated things like philosophy of life of how things would be different if each mili-action was done differently. Those things don’t matter to me, really..” I trailed off, wondering if I was making things worse. You leaned in quietly. 

 

“What matters then?”

 

I didn’t have to think long, I hummed a second and answered.

 

“That’s simple; you,” you looked confused but I could see a smile pulling at your lips. I continued, “Yeah, I mean, now, you, me, today. That’s what matters doesn’t it. We will never know how things could be different and how many dimensions there are and how complicated reality is so  _ my  _ philosophy is ‘why bother?’ My current dimension is you, I don’t see why I need to worry about other possible existing ones. You’re the one that exists now.”

 

I rubbed the ring you gave me, the promise of life together, with my thumb and I saw you notice the action. I’m sure I must have blushed because you leaned in and kissed my lips softly. Now I must have definitely reddened and I looked around anxiously. I avoided public displays of affection and you knew it. When I gave you half hearted reproachful look, you smiled innocently and I rolled my eyes. 

 

“Anyways,” you said, sipping your lukewarm coffee, “what were you thinking about that was so funny?”

 

I, too, busied myself with my cup. “I’m not telling you.” You hated being curious but I knew you’d think I was mocking you if I told you. You pleaded and I stuck my tongue out at you and once again you called me a child. We laughed and far too soon the hour came to an end. 

 

You walked to the very door of my cubicle. The floor was still sort of empty and you took the chance to sit on my desk and look around; your hours were more flexible than mine. You had a disdainful look on your face. 

 

“And you say my work is boring..”

 

I sat and nudged your knee. “Ssh, I make more money than you.”

 

You leaned back and I appreciated your figure. “Then I guess you’re paying for the wedding. All. On. Your. Own. Mr.I Make More Money Than My Fiance.” My fiance, I liked that. I liked the sound of my husband even more. 

 

“Ahh… I knew you proposed for my status. Should’ve said no.”

 

You leaned close and whispered only for me to hear. “I married you for your sweet ass.” 

I pinched your thigh and you jumped up laughing. You kissed me again, chastely, and brushed my hair fondly. I wished you didn’t have to leave but you said you’ll see me tonight at home and I felt better. I loved you so much. 

 

_ I love you so much..  _

 

“Do you mind?” An elderly lady, her raincoat dripping, was talking to him. Pulled from his bittersweet thoughts, he sniffed and nodded for her to sit, taking his bag and hanging it at his chair instead. 

 

He sat up straighter and took a sip of his coffee. 

 

“You looked quite forlorn there my dear, is everything alright?” He cringed inside. For fear of being rude, he physically restrained his urge to sigh. He just wanted to be alone. 

 

He cleared his throat as replaced his mug on the saucer. 

 

“Long day at work,” he answered with an empty smile. She wasn’t convinced it seemed because she continued studying him. Old people can be really annoying when they didn’t mind their business. He knew she meant well but he was getting restless under the scrutiny. Finally, she hummed.

 

“Well, my dear, you’ll see that the clouds are not always gray. They’ll clear up eventually.” As though on cue, the rain slowed to a halt and the sun peeked through the clouds. She looked smug. “Well, would you look at that? I guess I’m not wrong, huh?” Her smile was fond but Yukwon felt darker than he had when he first walked in. He gave a polite smile and excused himself. He left change and a generous tip under his mug for his coffee. Avoiding the elderly woman’s eyes, he walked out hurriedly and without pause, he made it home 30 minutes later. 

 

He didn’t turn on the lights when he walked in. He left his shoes at the door, wet and muddy. He removed his jacket and dropped it on the nearest chair, dropped his bag to the floor, and finally dropped his body to the couch. He wanted to reach for the blanket on the armrest but he felt so weak. Instead he curled up at the corner of the cushions and let fall the tears he was holding all day. In the same way he woke and slept, he cried until exhaustion got the best of him. 

 

*

He woke when it was still dark, his eyes crusty and his body sore. When he checked his phone, it was 3:27am. What an odd time, he thought. As usual, there were no notifications. He moved to the bathroom where he washed up routinely and went to his bedroom. Having recovered some mental strength, he managed to change into home clothing and returned to the couch where he finally pulled the blanket around himself. 

 

He avoided his bed if he could. The pain and memories were stronger there than they needed to be. For now, he was good on the couch, a liquor bottle on the coffee table at an arm’s reach. He didn’t read much anymore either. He’d drink and watch late TV mindlessly until he was drunk enough to sleep and then he’d wake up and go through the same routine. But he knew tomorrow was a weekend and he didn’t have any work to do. Spending the entire day without aim would be hell. But if he drank enough now, he’d sleep through most of it. 

 

He turned on the TV; lucky for him there was a run of old black and white movies on some channel. Perfect to watch without watching. His stomach complained from the lack of attention but he wasn’t bothered to move. Instead he grabbed the box of crackers next to the bottle and ate his fill. It was not nearly enough but it would do until the next time his stomach grumbled. The alcohol would help. 

 

Four hours of staring idly at the television and another quarter of the bottle later, he was finally dozing off. By now, he’d feel too empty to cry and too tired to think. But it also meant too weak to fight the memories and the feelings. Sighing, he stared at the ceiling. He muttered to himself. 

 

“God, I miss you..”

 

_ Cheek to cheek.. _

 

It was Friday night in autumn. The weather was getting really cold now but it was all the better for me. You’d come home freezing and nestle in my warmth. For some reason, you insisted on wearing your fashionable thin long coats instead of warming up properly with thick clothing. You really liked your image, but I liked it too so it’s fair. 

 

I was always home before you, even when I worked extra time, my job having set hours and all. You had set hours too but you were always an overachiever and you would get so grossed into your work you wouldn’t even notice the time. Many times I had to call you and remind you you had a bed to return to. And me of course. 

 

Tonight, you came on time, albeit carrying all your work with you. I already knew you’d stay up late finishing up. You were hard on your client’s deadlines but you were always hardest on yourself. 

 

The tips of your nose and ears were red and it both endeared me and annoyed me. 

 

“You’ll give yourself pneumonia one day,” I complained from the couch, wrapped up warmly in my favorite blanket and a book. 

 

“Yeah, but I’ll do it fashionably,” you teased but I was not amused. 

 

You sighed and removed your coat and without permission, stole half of the blanket and curled up, laying your head on my chest and effectively disturbing my reading stance. 

 

“I don’t need to be warm outside when I can come home and be warmed by you.”

 

“I’ll write that on your tombstone,” I replied, deadpan. You laughed and kissed my cheek. My cringing at your cold lips made you kiss me more and press your freezing finger tips to my stomach. I almost shrieked and you laughed more. It was all so comfortable, being like this with you. 

 

We watched a movie, neither of us particularly interested in the plot. Half way through you began talking about work - most probably it had not left your mind at all - and I lowered the volume. By midnight the movie was forgotten and I was snoozing on your shoulder. You were lost in thought. I felt you shift, which woke me up.

 

“Hey, it’s fine go to sleep,” you hushed. 

 

“Not yet,” I mumbled, sliding my arms around your waist. It was half a ploy to keep you away from work. The truth was that I craved your touch even when we were touching. And you always indulged. I was wide awake in a minute and you were effectively distracted in even shorter a time. It was always my favorite night of the week; it meant that we would awake the next day, way past appropriate time, naked but warm in each other’s arms wherever we ended up passing out. 

 

Saturday mornings were almost as good as the night before except that you eventually insisted on working. I’d tell you you still had Sunday as well but you’re so stubborn. 

 

Eventually, I’d give up and we’d find our cozy spots on the couch, for you to work and for me to read. Sometimes you sighed and rubbed your eyes and that would be my cue to distract you for a while and usually it would work. I would nudge you into discussing my book with me and you’d engage, books being your favorite topic. So much, you have made it your job to edit them.

 

But this time it didn’t work. I made a comment and you merely hummed. I asked a question, your opinion, you said you didn’t know and rubbed your eyes harder. It worried me. I asked what’s wrong. 

 

“Nothing, just a lot of work on my mind,” I wasn’t convinced but you smiled and pulled my legs to rest on your lap. I let it go when I shouldn’t have. 

 

_ Side by side.. _

 

He hadn’t realized how wet his cheeks were until he rubbed his face. He already knew nothing would be solved with him crying this way or punishing himself thinking of all the times he should’ve noticed the signs. He should’ve noticed the temper, the headaches, the fights; he should’ve noticed everything. But would he have made a change? Would there have been a different outcome? He couldn’t tell but he told himself he deserved the pain of assuming that he  _ could  _ have made a change. 

 

But tonight, his birthday of all days, the pain grew too strong for him to handle. The bottle, already so conveniently close to him, found itself in his hands and soon he was drinking more than he could handle. He shouldn’t have but he was weak and tired and in pain and so  _  sick  _  of thinking about what he should or should not do or what he should have done or not done. He was tired. “I am tired,” he repeated to himself between exhausted sobs. 

 

He rubbed his face and sniffed harshly, trying to compose himself. He couldn’t resist anymore. Without allowing himself to think about it more carefully, he grabbed the phone and dialed  _ his _ number. He knew it by heart, sometimes he murmured it to himself as a tool to calm down. 

 

It rang once and went straight to voicemail as he expected it to. 

 

_ “Not home, leave a message after the beep.”  _

 

The voice he so longed to hear. It pained and comforted him at the same time. He took a deep breath. 

 

“Jiho… I miss you so much-,” he could barely string words, sobs constantly threatening to interrupt him. He struggled to keep them down. Being drunk as he was didn’t help.

 

“I just miss you so much I can’t breathe,” he continued in a grunting voice. It was the only way he could manage a sentence without stop. “Please come back to me, I just want to see you, hold you, I just.. I just… _ miss _ you-”, this time he did not interrupt himself. The most unexpected thing happened: the phone line connected. His heart stopped, there was only silence on the other end but it was unmistakable -- someone was listening.

 

“J-jiho?,” he tried, befuddled and slightly delirious. 

 

“Don’t be silly,” a stern woman’s voice answered. He was in shock.

 

“I’m sorry, I--”, he wasn’t allowed to finish. 

 

“Don’t call this number anymore.” The line disconnected. 

 

“I’m sorry..”, he muttered  to no one. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, and hugged the phone. The sudden hope and renewed heartbreak threw him into despair. He never cried so hard as that night. 

*

_ Arm in arm.. _

 

We were laughing so much our sides hurt and our eyes teared. There was nothing particularly funny but sometimes we get like that when were together. It’s always so much fun. When we finally settled down and got up and stretched. The ground on which we sat under the tree was firm and was making me feel sore. You lay back and watched appreciatively. I gently kicked your thigh. You got up and put your arms around me  from behind with a smile. It was your favorite way to stand but it wasn’t very efficient. I tried to move away and you followed with a step and then another. We tripped and laughed again.

 

I decided against a walk and preferred to sit there, lazily leaning back with your arms around me. It was also my favorite position. But I hated letting you win. 

 

It was such a beautiful day, the sun was out and the breeze was cool. Our books were good, your warmth was the best. Exceptionally, we didn’t get many glares that day, not even that many curious stares. Families walked by and children shrieked in laughter the way they do and we were so in love with each other. 

 

You loosened your hold and grabbed my hand, caressing the ring you gave me. 

 

“One day, we’ll get one of those and start our own family, what do you say?”, you said, pointing with your chin at the laughing children chasing each other. 

 

My heart swelled. 

 

“You have to make an honest man out me first,” I feigned nonchalance but it was hard to breath with the love I held inside for you and you knew it. You were unfazed. You kissed the crook of my neck and replied; “You know I will.”

 

A few minutes later, you complained of a headache and wanted to leave. I wanted to stay longer but you snapped at me, something you rarely if ever do. I resigned and we went home, baffled still that night when you hugged me to sleep about the sudden mood switch. 

 

Regardless of the abrupt end, it was still an amazing day with you. 

 

_ Dusk to dawn.. _

 

There was a loud banging inside his head, repeating over and over like a prisoner wanting to be found. He grumbled in pain and the banging continued. He shifted his position, causing a whole lot of joints to pop. A bottle fell to the floor and woke him fully. 

 

Right, he had drunk himself unconscious the night before after making the worst phonecall. Oh, he did regret everything now as bile collected at the back of his throat. 

His temples throbbed and he grunted in pain, forcing himself to sit up. The banging didn’t stop, however. Incredulous, he looked for pain killers among the mess on the table but found none. He was about to get up and find some when the banging started again. Finally, an explanation dawned on him; the banging came from the door, not that his head didn’t have a rhythm of its own playing at the moment. 

 

He considered ignoring it but it continued with a persistence that demanded an answer. He decided to give it own, rubbing his eyes as he approached the wooden door. He opened it and his heart stopped. In front of him stood the subject of his pain. His eyesight was blurred from the rubbing, the headache, and the hangover but he was certain. Almost certain. 

 

“Jiho..?”, he asked, tentative. 

 

A pause. Then the figure stepped closer. 

 

“Don’t be silly,” the same phrase as the night before only it was kinder, more understanding. 

 

His eyes blurred further for yet another reason. He left the door open and dragged himself back to the couch, where he flopped down - despite the promised pain that would come from such a quick movement - and dropped his head in his hands. 

 

“Of course you’re not here,” he mumbled to himself needlessly. Jiseok heard. 

 

“Of course not,” he was being a little more strict now. He closed the door behind himself and came to join him. He pushed aside some of the junk on the table and sat down facing him. 

 

“You’re a mess,” he stated plainly. 

 

“No shit,” Yukwon replied. 

 

*

Jiseok was cleaning up, Yukwon was still wrapped up in the corner of the couch. He didn’t want to be pitied or taken care of and he hated the sad side looks Jiseok gave him but he was too tired to fight him. Most of all he hated how much he looked like  _ him --  _ he couldn’t face him very long without breaking down. He heard a long sigh behind him but he kept his eyes peeled and the glass top of the table in front of him. He was amused by the new cleaningness of the place but he was annoyed with Jiseok’s presence there. He heard another sigh and a violent ruffling of a plastic bag. He internally rolled his eyes.

 

“No one asked you to clean”, he said in a low voice. He didn’t have to speak up he knew Jiseok would hear. Just like his brother, his senses were sharp. 

 

“You probably don’t want to hear this but Jiho found out I left you like this he’d murder me,” he sounded a bit dejected. He probably believed it to the fullest. 

 

“You’re right, I don’t want to hear it,” Yukwon snapped and pulled the blanket over his head. It smelled but Jiseok gracefully had left it there when it looked like Yukwon would bite him if he took it away. Another sigh came from his lover’s brother. Former lover. 

 

Jiseok came to stand in front of him.

 

“Get up.”

 

Yukwon merely grumbled that he wanted to be left alone, tears already prickling his eyes at the thought of  _ him. _

 

“Seriously get up, let’s go see him.” Yukwon’s heart almost fully stopped. He didn’t hear right, now, did he? He stayed very still as Jiseok crouched in front of him and pulled the cover to reveal his eyes. Kwon made sure to close them to avoid seeing the too familiar features. Jiseok didn’t budge however.

 

“Come on,” he was speaking softer now probably realizing Kwon’s pain and confliction, “you don’t want him to see you this way, right? Go wash up. I’ll wait for you.”

 

“He..” Yukwon paused, his voice shaky and hesitant,” h-he doesn’t want to see me.”

 

This time, Jiseok’s sigh was one of frustration. 

 

“Nonsense. Get up now or I’m forcing you under the water.” 

 

Yukwon peeked at him through blurred eyes and even with the poor vision, Jiseok’s eyes looed determined enough to go through with his threat. He decided not to risk it and managed to get up, shower, and wear proper clothes while Jiseok finished his tidying. Yukwon already knew that it was futile given that it would go back to the same state within a day, but the older man has always slightly intimidated him.

 

He stood now, facing the mirror. His hair was damp and little droplets fell to his clothes, leaving little round spots. It would dry. Right now, his struggle was to get his hands to stop shaking long enough to button his shirt. Everytime he grabbed a button and attempted to hook it through the hole, his fingers would slip as his heart would race remembering why he was getting dressed in the first place. It took a long while, and he missed quite a few, some even looped through the wrong hole and made his shirt crooked but Jiseok was knocking on the door asking him if he was ready. A sweater would hide it, he supposed. 

 

When he opened the door, Jiseok gave him a long look over then merely hummed and moved to the door. It seemed to mean “at least you’re clean”. Any other time before, he would've been offended. Now he was just glad he wasn’t being mocked out straight. 

 

Downstairs, Yukwon was shaky and honestly reluctant to get into Jiseok’s car. His entire insides were cringing and alarming him not to take a step further. But a look towards the taller male was enough to convince him that he would not have the option of going back inside to safety. Jiseok was already in the driver’s seat and the passenger side door was wide open, awaiting him. He didn’t want to go in. Or rather, he wanted to but he was too scared. And what  _ he  _ didn’t want to see him, what if all he did was bother him. 

 

A loud honk startled him wildly. His hand grasped at his chest, Jiseok was staring at him,m gesturing with his hand. Too startled to overthink it now, he walked towards the car and got in. Jiseok drove off right away, probably aware that Kwon was at flight risk. 

 

“You haven’t seen him since.. “, he didn’t have to finish his sentence, Yukwon knew what he meant. He shook his head and Jiseok hummed his understanding. The drive was long and they decided to spend it quietly. Soon, Yukwon rested his head on the glass and watched at the city rolled by. Unwanted memories barged in again. 

 

_ A little last light…. _

 

We’ve taken long drives like these and in all honesty, I found them incredibly boring and taxing on my back, sitting for so long in the car. You always insisted on driving, you said it was because you didn’t want me to get tired but I knew it was so that you had an excuse to remain quiet and focused on something else; it gave you something to do. It didn’t bother me that you would remain quiet for long stretches of time, I knew you liked to have your thinking space but  _ God _ these drives were boring.

 

I sighed and shifted in my seat. You came out of your mind and chuckled at my restlessness. Your hand found its favorite spot on top of my thigh and mine its own on top of yours. 

 

“We’ll be there soon, babe,” you reassured.

 

I grumbled my discontent and stared out the window as usual, but my hand curved around yours fondly. I didn’t have to look to know that you were smiling. At least the thought of you in your swim trunks, sporting shades and walking around like you were shooting your own music video kept me amused for the rest of the ride.

 

These rides were boring, yes, but I wouldn’t give up the most boring hours with you for the most exciting moments alone. Your presence always made up for everything in the end. 

 

Until it was not there anymore. 

_ One last touch _ … 

 

The car slowed down to halt. Yukwon pretended to be sleep and wiped his cheeks with the sleeve of his shirt as though he’d just awoken. It was a mediocre act but Jiseok was better at pretending. He remained quiet until he announced that they had arrived. He looked outside the window, it was gray and the aura was dark. He didn’t want to be here. 

 

“Come on,” Jiseok clearly had made up his mind for him. 

 

Still reluctant, Yukwon got out of the car and followed but his steps slowed again at the entrance. He could feel his heartbeat on his fingertips by the strength of his blood pumping. Jiseok gave him a look. 

 

“I-I don’t think I should go in afterall..” Yukwon tried to say between grinded teeth. Jiseok’s disregard of his struggle was both disheartening and helpful; he wasn’t given the mercy of going back but at least the decisions were for him. 

 

Dragged inside by the arm, Yukwon took a deep breath before the walls of the gigantic building enveloped them.  He wanted to turn back but every little tug he gave at his arm Jiseok returned twice. Not having to see where he was lead to helped him in the way that he was allowed to keep his eyes to the floor. To his best strength, he tried to ignore all the sounds around him of metal and hurried footsteps, the occasional alarm. He knew the cemetery was conveniently right behind the building and as hard as he tried to think of something else, it was all that came to him. Even the relentless suffering of his memories wasn’t helping him now. The more the approached the other end of the hallway, the quicker his heart beat. He was getting faint by the time they finally turned a corner and faced metal doors. The hand wrapped around his wrist tightened. 

 

“Breathe,” Jiseok reminded him. He complied but the hand did not relent. He understood why and did not question it; he was reminded he was not the only one struggling here. 

 

An elevator ride up and two hallways later, they stood in front of a door. The door. He had stood here before but now just like then, his courage failed him. He started to back away and to his surprise Jiseok let go. He looked at him, albeit befuddled, and tried to explain. 

 

“Jiseok, I don’t think I can..”

 

“How long will you avoid it? Mother doesn’t want you here. This is your chance,” Jiseok eyes pierced him and he felt ashamed. Yukwon didn’t answer. 

 

“I’m going to get some updates. Make your choice,” Jiseok left him standing there, staring at the door knob. 

 

He must have stood there for a solid five minutes when he heard voices and footsteps approaching. For some reason, he thought that he should not be caught standing there and on instinct, entered the room and closed the door. A violent shiver coursed through his body when he realized he was now standing inside facing the door. His heart pumped and his legs weakened. He wasn’t sure he could assume responsibility for his actions. He wasn’t sure he could handle at all the sight behind him. He wasn’t sure he wouldn’t end up the same way when he finally gave up. Yet, something in him made him turn, his insides churning with nervousness. He thought he was about to be sick but still, he found it in him to take a deep breath and finally turn around. 

 

And there he stood, staring at the bed in front of him. There he lied, the love of his life. The reason for his being and the result of his irrelevant existence in his life. He could hear the doctor and Jiseok behind the door discussing now but his did not function as well. They were blurred by tears and his lips quivered as he tried to catch his breath.  A shaky hand reached out forward of its own but found rest on the railing at the end of the bed. A soft breathing sound came from the mechanism wrapped around the body on the bed, a slow consistent beeping coming from the machine propped at the head. There was a mask wrapped around the face and endless wires coming from everywhere, or so it seemed to Kwon’s distressed eyes. There was only one thought going through his head and it was the name of the man on the bed constantly repeated. Kwon thought his chest would tighten to the point of rupture by the pain he felt there staring at the bed. 

 

Finally, he approached, managing to move his legs properly and to lift his hand to rub his eyes clear. He stood at the side of the bed and continued to stare down. He could still hear the conversation going on outside the room. He picked up words such as permanent coma and heart and organ failure. It made his head hurt and his breathing hitch. He closed his eyes for a few seconds but when he opened them again it hurt just as much as before. In front of him was the man saved him but Yukwon had given him nothing but suffering in return. He hated himself for being alive at that point. He wanted to disappear, to take back his mistakes but instead, the consequences glared him down. 

 

His legs grew too weak to support him and suddenly he kneeled by the bed, his hand clutched at the material of the mattress -- he was unworthy to touch  _ his _ hands.

 

“J-jiho..” the name finally made it past his lips. But with the deliverance of his voice came the freeing of his emotions. Guilt and anger welled up in him and soon he was wailing, using the cover to muffle his voice. He could barely see anymore but he tried to keep his eyes peeled on the resting face on the pillow; the sharp cheekbones, the long eyes, the soft lips hidden by an oxygen mask, the chest that would not heave with laughter again, the hands that would not caress his again, the arms that would not hold him again… He remembered that night, the silly argument growing into a useless fight. The anger, the aggressiveness, the words he did not mean. Yukwon didn’t even realize he was speaking. 

 

“I’m sorry, Jiho, I’m s-sorry.. “ he was repeating over and over. Over 125 days late but he was finally apologizing to the person he was meant to apologize to. 

 

“I shouldn’t have said all those things, I shouldn’t have let you go.” His sobs were messing his voice and words but he knew no one was there to hear him. He knew Jiseok was waiting outside, purposely pretending not to hear his breakdown. He knew Jiho would never hear anything again because of him.

 

He remembered the drinks, he remembered how angry Jiho was as he left and slammed the door. He should have stopped him. He should have taken his keys or ran after him. He should have done something. Everybody blamed him and he knew they were right. His erratic breathing jumbled his words to an incomprehensible level. It went on for a while until he tired himself out. He was still kneeled, his legs numb and his eyes sore. His chest hurt and he wanted to move but his eyes were glued to the static face of the man he loved with his entire being. He wanted to leave and never come back again, he wanted to disappear but he wanted to repent with his life one way or another.

 

He felt a twitch on the mattress where his hands were still clenched. He supposed his body was finally allowing him to leave. He knew once he left this room he would  never return. Even possibly, manage to live another day to return. So he took a long look. Memorizing everything in front of him from the pattern of the hospital gown to the number of wires leading off from Jiho’s body. He was going to leave now. He felt another twitch again and he pushed his body up. It was time for him to go. 

 

As he turned towards the door, his heart pumped in his heart with new rigorousness. He knew what he had to do once he went back home. A shiver tickled his spine as he stepped forward, hand reach for the knob. Even his physical body was aware of what it was leaving behind. 

 

He took a deep breath and turned the knob. Just as he pulled at the door he heard a soft and pained:

 

“Kwon?”

 

Yukwon’s heart must have stopped at that point. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
